Lesson: Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Cooking Your Damn Ham

Lotsa bit@hes like to serve ham for Christmas and Easter. Well, it is a tasty dish, so I can see why. Rest assured, cooking a ham is not overly difficult, so even you can handle it, bit@h. However ,what it does require is a little damn attention and some tender loving care so that it turns out not only correct, but delicious. Do you think your bit@h-ass can handle that?

In order to help you decide how big a ham you will need, here is a handy dandy chart. If you are preparing a second main, dish, then you can use the estimates in the second column.

Weight	Servings	Servings (if another main dish)
7lb.	12	16-18
8lb.	14	18-21
9lb.	16	21-24
10lb.	18	24-27
14-15lb.	24-28	32-40

Now that you know how much to buy, here is very high level overview of how to prepare the ham. We will go into a lot more detail below this, but I always find it best to lay everything out first when dealing with feeble minded bit@hes such as yourselves.

Frozen? If the ham is frozen, you are gonna need to defrost the damn thing. Make sure you leave enough time to do this.

Does the Bit@h Need a Trim? At this point, check the ham for excess fat around the edge. You are going to want to have a little layer of fat for flavor, so don’t be a stupid bit@h and trim it all off. Remember, this is the holidays after all, and a little fat will make your family happy and won’t kill them. Today anyway. Let them worry about it in a few months.

Are you Gonna Score Tonight? Some people choose to score their hams. This is done for presentation, and also helps the fat baste the meat below.

Cook the Bit@h! Next you will actually cook the ham. The technique and timing for cooking will depend on the size, cut, and type of ham you have chosen to buy. Don’t worry your pretty little head, we talk about a few of the more popular cuts and procedures next so just calm the hell down.

Get it Nice and Sticky– Some folks prefer to glaze the ham while it bakes. This will add an aesthetically pleasing finish and add some flavor as well. Remember though, glazing really only is applied to the outer edge and doesn’t permeate the meat, so you will probably want to cook a little of the glaze into a sauce to serve with the ham as well.

Now that you are armed with the basics, let’s get into it a little deeper by explaining your options. Let’s talk about the different cuts, and then give you a few different options for your glazes.

 

WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF HAMS, DAMNIT?

So, unlike most other meats, there are, what seems to be, a sh!tload of hams available to the pig-eating public. It could drive a simple bit@h like you crazy to decipher all of your options. So, because I am such a damn nice and awesome guy, I have categorized them below by their cuts, preparation, and cure. As a result of all of your options, you, the lazy bit@h that you are, have the opportunity to choose a ham based not only on the amount of guests you are expecting and your tastes, but how much time you have to, err, WANT to put into it. So below there are three charts. The first one is a guide to your choice when it comes to timing and preparation, the second is the choice you have when it comes to cut. The third one is just a simple explanation of the two different types of cures that are available.

 

TIMING AND PREPARATION

Fully-Cooked Ham: Ham that has been heated through the middle to temperatures exceeding 147 degrees. It is ready to eat without further cooking.

Partially Cooked Ham: Ham that has been heated through the middle to temperatures exceeding 137 degrees requires additional cooking.

Uncooked Ham: Ham that requires cooking to eat.

Boiled Ham: Ham that has been boned, cured and cooked using a boiling process. It is ready to eat without further cooking.

 

CUT OF HAM

Whole Ham: A cut that includes both butt ham and shank ham from the pig’s leg. They can weigh 10 to 20 pounds and are available bone-in or boneless.

Butt Ham: A cut taken from the top half of the pig’s leg. It contains more fat than a cut from the shank, but has more meat and is easy to carve.

Shank Ham: A cut taken from the bottom half of the pig’s leg. It contains less fat than butt ham, but is not as meaty and is harder to carve. This cut has a slightly sweeter flavor than butt ham.

Spiral Sliced Ham: A precooked ham that has been pre-sliced in a spiral or continuous cut.

 

THE CURE

Wet-Cured Ham: A wet-cured or “city” ham has been cured with a brine. The majority of hams available in grocery stores are wet-cured.

Dry-Cured Ham: A dry-cured or “country” ham has been rubbed with a salt or sugar seasoning, dried and aged. The most common type of dry-cured ham in the United States is a Virginia or Smithfield Ham.

 

TIPS ON SELECTING A HAM

When making your selection, you should look for a ham that is bright grayish-pink in color and has a firm texture. What you should not look for, are cuts that have a slimy appearance, are soft to the touch or emit a foul odor. You’d think that was common sense, but I have been surprised by you bit@hes before, so I think it’s best to be explicit. You should also avoid hams that are greenish in color and also note the color of the fat on the outer edge. This, my bit@h, can tell you a lot about if the ham has spoiled. You should always look for the fat to be white and “blemish free.” If the fat has yellowed, this could signal spoilage. You don’t want to eat spoiled ham, you stupid bit@h.

 

THAW YOUR HAM

Now, just to be clear, this step only applies to those of you bit@hes who are cooking a frozen ham. If your ham is not frozen, this won’t apply to you. I can’t stress this enough, don’t follow these instructions if your ham is not, or has not been frozen. You can do this two ways: either in the refrigerator or with cold water. You never want to thaw ham or any meat for that matter on the counter because if the temperature of meat rises above 40 degrees, it will be susceptible to bacterial growth.

Refrigerator Thawing Method

Just in case you were less intelligent than we had previously thought, here are explicit step by step instructions so you know how to thaw the ham in the fridge:

1. Place the wrapped ham in a pan to catch its drippings as it thaws and place the damn thing in the fridge. Make sure you periodically drain the pan or you may inadvertently taint the meat if the drippings spoil.

That’s it.

We have put together an approximate thawing time guide below:

Size	Time
SMALL HAM	4 to 5 hrs.
LARGE HAM	5 to 7 hrs.

Cold Water Thawing Method

1. Admittedly, using cold water is a little more complicated. Here are the steps.
2. Fill the sink with enough cold water to cover the ham.
3. Place the ham in a leak proof bag because ham will lose flavor and coloring if exposed to water while thawing.
4. Place the ham in the cold water.
5. Replace the water every 30 minutes.
6. This thawing process will probably take about 30 minutes per pound.
7. And here is just one more helpful tip so you don’t go and fu@% up your health: Don’t use the damn sink for anything else while you are thawing, and make sure you sanitize the sink and any other surface the meat has touched after the ham has been thawed.

 

SO HOW THE HELL DO I PREP MY HAM FOR COOKING?

Well, bit@h. How your ham is prepared depends entirely on what type of ham you’ve purchased. For example, a brined ham doesn’t require as much preparation as a dry-cured or country ham. In fact most brined hams can be popped out of their packaging and onto a roasting pan.

However, if you get a dry-cured ham, then you have a little more work to do.

Cleaning a Dry-Cured Ham

1. If you’ve purchased a dry-cured or country ham, there may be mold on its surface that will need to be removed and I recommend that you soak the ham to remove the excess salt that comes from the cure.  Here are a few step by step tips:.
2. Wash the ham in warm water.
3. Scrub the mold from the surface of the ham with a cooking brush.
4. Rinse the ham well.
5. Two days before you plan on serving the ham, place it in a large pan and cover it with water. Place it back in the refrigerator and let it soak so that the excess salt from the cure is washed away.
6. Once the ham has been scrubbed and soaked, it is ready to cook.

 

TRIMMING AND SCORING

Trimming and scoring can help you to add flavor to your ham. If your ham has a fatty layer and a rind, you can trim it. However, you do want to keep a ¼ inch layer of fat to help keep the ham juicy, add flavor and ensure you don’t cut into the meat when you score it. I recommend trimming the excess fat about 2 hours into the process so that the ham will baste in the fat. If you don’t want to trim it, that is fine as well. No bit@h ever complained about too much fat during the holidays.

Scoring your ham allows the glaze and the fat to penetrate the meat, making it more flavorful. Some bit@hes like to score the ham before it is put in the oven, but I recommend you do it towards the end of the cooking process when you trim, as I think it helps to keep it juicy and add more flavor. In either case, score the bit@h before you glaze it. Here are a few tips on scoring:

Make diagonal cuts along the surface of the ham. The cuts should be made to the fat layer. Don’t penetrate the meat while scoring.

Make diagonal cuts in the opposite direction, forming diamond shapes in the fat layer.

 

COOKING YOUR HAM

There are so many different cuts and styles of ham, so we are only going to concentrate on the uncooked variety here. In general though, if you buy a fully cooked ham and decide to heat it before it’s served, make sure the damn temperature reaches 140 degrees. If you buy a partially cooked ham, you should reheat it to at least 160 degrees internal temperature, but refer to the instructions on the label to be sure of the recommended cooking instructions.

The most important rule when preparing an uncooked ham is that the internal temperature must reach 160 degrees before you serve it to the bit@hes you call friends or family. Below is a table showing, in general, how long you need to cook your ham based on a 325 degree cooking temperature. However, remember the cardinal 160 degree internal temperature rule above all.

Cut	Weight (lbs)	Minutes (per lb)
Whole leg, bone in	12 to 16	22 to 26
Whole leg, boneless	10 to 14	24 to 28
Half, bone in	5 to 8	35 to 40

Cooking an Uncooked, Brined Ham

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2. Use a roasting pan with a rack insert. This is important because if you don’t the salty drippings will contaminate your tasty ham. Place ham in roasting pan fat side up and insert a good meat thermometer. But don’t be a stupid bit@h and allow the thermometer to touch the bone if there is one. That will just give you an improper reading.
3. Cook ham according to the timetable above.
4. Halfway through the cooking time, carefully turn the ham over, making sure not to pierce the meat and allow any juices to escape.
5. The best time to trim, score and glaze is approximately 30 minutes to 1 hour before the ham is finished cooking. However, be sure not to be a stupid bit@h and baste the ham with the drippings. We know it’s hard for you to remember instructions given just 3 steps ago, but to refresh your feeble brain, the damn drippings are too salty!
6. Place ham back in oven after trimming, scoring and glazing and let cook until its internal temperature reaches 160 degrees, making sure not to fu@% it up and overcook it.
7. You should let the ham sit for about 15 minutes so that the juices redistribute. At that point you can carve.

Cooking an Uncooked, Dry-Cured Ham

1. If you remember, just a few paragraphs ago we talked about how to prepare an uncooked, dry- cured ham. If you haven’t gone through these steps, you have no business here! Go back and make sure you have completed those steps. If you have completed those steps, then I permit you to move forward from here.  So first things, first. I recommend boiling a dry-cured ham first to ensure that the excess salt has been removed and to create a more moist and tender finish. Here are the steps.
2. After you have gone through the dry-cured preparation, place the ham in a large pot of water and cover it with water. Add a few pungent spices like bay leaves, whole allspice or peppercorns, just to add a little flavoring to the meat.
3. Boil the ham for 20-25 minutes per pound.
4. Meanwhile, plan to preheat the oven to 400 degrees so that it will be ready when the boiling is complete.
5. Take the ham from the water and begin the trimming, scoring and glazing processes. Obviously let it cool a little and use proper protective gloves when handling a hot ham. Don’t be a dumb ass and burn yourself.
6. Insert meat thermometer into the ham and place it on a roasting pan.
7. Place the ham in the oven for about 15 minutes until it becomes golden brown. Make sure the internal temperature reads 160 degrees.
8. Let the ham stand for about 15 minutes before carving.

 

GLAZE YOUR HAM

A glaze is a sauce or a dry rub, typically made from a sweet substance or a substance that has some sugar content in order to help brown and caramelize the ham and add flavor. It is usually applied generously on the ham about 30 minutes before the cooking process is complete.  You don’t want to apply the glaze too early or it will burn and then in turn, burn the ham. That will result in a charred, burnt-flavored mess and will look like crap.

Check out some great glazes for your ham in our recipe section.

That’s it. That is all I can teach you about cooking ham. All you have left to do is carve the damn thing. Good luck with that.